Suicidal Thoughts

emotional hurt = physical hurt


I am such a Daddy's girl. Growing up we had a special bond that I cherished more than anything. I remember my Mom telling me stories of how I would always be near him when I was  kid. He died of cancer a few months after I graduated high school. I hate life after that. There wasn't much meaning. I wasn't in college and I hated working my job. I didn't have anyone that knew what I was going through or how to help. I had other siblings and a few friends that I could lean on but nothing really helped. I slipped into a deep dark depression for a while. After over a year of struggling I decided I didn't want to live feeling this pain everyday. I started cutting my wrist to deal with the hurt. The physical pain symbolized the emotional pain. I didn't want to tell anyone about it because I knew it wasn't understandable for others. One day the girl who my brother was dated invited him to church. He went and said he enjoyed it but I didn't pay it much attention. One day I answered the phone and it was a lady calling for my brother to tell him she was on the way to come get him for church. Before we got off the phone she asked me if I wanted to go to. I denied her but she was very pleasant even in accepting my rejection. A few months went by and I spoke with her a few more times and she invited me again and again. One day I finally said yes and came with them. On the way to and from the lady was so interested in me and kept talking to me. I went from feeling like I was being interviewed to feeling like I could trust her with my life. As the months went on I got closer and closer to this lady until eventually I told her about me cutting myself. She prayed with with and started checking on me everyday. She showed me the true love of Christ that I heard about but never saw. She helped me see the value in myself that God saw and encouraged me to always remember how much he loved me. I was amazed to find out what it meant to be a child of the King. I gave my life to God and haven't been the same since. I've found my true identity that no one can take away. Not even myself.

- Kayla

Why Keep Going?

My parents divorced when I was younger and they both remarried years later. It was just my mom and me for a long time before she remarried and she struggled alot with hating my dad for leaving her. I saw that and didn't want to go through that when I grew up. So then when I got older and got married I knew it was going to last. But eight years in I just couldnt take it anymore. My wife just stopped trying to live life. She struggled with depression and I tried to help her through it but she just quit. I was more miserable with her than I was without her. So I filed for divorce. When I told my mom she demonized me and said I was just like my dad. That really made me mad. I even thought that eventually we'd get back together if she got herself right. But not even a full 2 years later I hear she's getting married. Now I feel like a failure cause she found someone else and I haven't. Why is she making this new guy happy when she didnt make me happy? Maybe I was the problem. While going through this I got fired from my job too so I had to move in with my mom and her new husband. I hate everything about my life right now. I go to church and I think that helps but what else should I do? I even took counseling sessions for a while but that didnt really help. One of my best friends who goes to church with me said that I got to trust God more. He has helped me realize that no matter how bad I've screwed up my life that God still loves me more than anyone else ever will. Then I realized that believing in God isn't just about going to church but having a relationship with God!!! After that I stopped just going to church and I started being apart of the church. I started paying attention to sermons more and praying more and reading the Bible more. God shows me so much and I'm so thankful I didn't end my life like I wanted to. Praise the Lord.