Growing up in a single parent home was rough because I didn't have much interaction with others. My Mom worked multiple jobs and she was very protective so she didn't want me hanging out with friends much. Every weekend while my friends went out to games, movies, the mall or sleepovers I was left home alone while my Mom was at work. Almost every week when we got back to school I had to hear stories of fun times I missed. Despite knowing my Mom loved me very much it was very difficult for me to enjoy much of my time being so alone. She wasn't even willing to get to know any of my friend's parents so she could feel more comfortable with me spending time with them. As time went on I just got used to it and tried to make the best out of it. I tried to occupy myself with things that I could enjoy by myself. What I found out is that by purposely focusing on made me happy, it helped me not get saddened by what didn't make me happy like missing out on the gatherings of my friends. Also as I got older there were times that were few and far between that I did get to gather with my friends. So that made me even more thankful for those times I did get to enjoy. The pressure I felt to fit in was manufactured by my own thoughts. I finally got to the point where I decided to control my thoughts and what I focused on. When I did that I became a happier person and I wasn't overcome with my loneliness anymore.
I grew up in several different foster homes. One of my foster mother's in particular was mentally and verbally abusive. I NEVER was good enough for her. Leaving her home was one of the happiest days of my life, although there weren't many of those days to choose from anyway. I moved around to different schools so I never had any lasting friendships. Whenever I did make friends I would eventually move anyway so after a few years I just stopped trying. I often thought of my biological mother and whether or not things would be better if I was raised by her. But then I'd remember that she gave me up in the first place so then I'd feel even more down. I really hated life for many years growing up. There wasn't much to be happy about and when there was something it wouldn't last long. To this day I'm married with kids and I still don't feel right about how my life has turned out. I live in constant fear and doubt about when and how my husband is going to leave me with the kids and how I'll manage after. I'm pretty sure he loves me but I don't know if it's enough for him to stay. I try to be the best mom and wife I can be but I know it's not good enough for him. I'm not sure if I'll ever feel good enough for anyone. Is that all because of my upbringing or is that just how I'm wired?